Dude this is just a fuckin tale as old as time I can already tell that I'm destined for 6-9 on the season. Fuck it. I'm just going to roll. Quick congratz, by the way, to young Nathan for joining the 5,000 point club! You're 19-25 all-time yet still managed to get to 5,000 points like twice as fast as Garrett did. Jake and Garrett both will mostly likely break 20,000 this year (Jake as soon as next week). Another accolade to look out for this year is the race to 100 regular-season wins between John Luke (currently at 93), TK (93), and Mike (91).

Collin, not to be overlooked, won this week's Top Score bonus, which also was the weekly challenge, so he earns a crisp $10 check from the league office. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing.

The gif theme of the week is the following (with the exception of Ryan-TK):

Recaps

Ryan 148.18 - 130.72 TK (Game Score: 81.1)

Ok I will give you both the credit your game deserves, but first I have to point out that you need to update your names. TK you don't have Dalvin anymore, you changed your photo to Chubb though?? Ryan yours is just all sorts of off. Ok annyywaaayyssss. TK had a monster game from Justin Jefferson, who absolutely tore UP the Packers in the first half, but some sub-10 scores from the bottom of his lineup just wasn't enough to overcome two 30+ point weekends from Collin's own Josh Allen (35.48) and Davante Adams (30.1). TK will, of course, still be getting a top 5 point for his work, as he should, and in perhaps the best way possible he takes that point away from Austin, which makes me personally cheer for TK and hope he sees some success in the future. Ryan looks like he's picking up right where he left off, with a solid team to try and make another playoff run.

Mike 138.7 - 107.88 John Luke (73.9)

An Chiefs Insider-report gave us a scoop about Mahomes after the game last night. According to sources, Mahomes called John Luke on Wednesday evening and called him a "lil bitch". Reportedly, John Luke responded with "B-b-b-but Stef-" to which Mahomes spat into the microphone, called John Luke a "Geico-Having-Ass-Punk", and hung up to the sound of laughter in the background of the speaker phone. John Luke declined to comment on this, asking only that Mahomes "please stop calling my mom to make fun of me".

Garrett 85.66 - 143 Tyler (58.3)

Yall remember when Garrett went 11-3 and waltzed into the playoffs as the #1 team? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Nowadays Garretts content to start Cam Akers for 0 points and let Ja'Marr Chase body Tee Higgins out of all his points. Garrett think about this, if Justin Herbert hadn't scored almost 30 points, you may have set the lowest score in the league since... last year when someone scored 58.8 points (anyone want to guess who it was? Anyone? It was GARRETT lmfao). Tyler did pretty much the opposite, and besides Kyle Pitts (and maybe some MNF players idk I'm typing this up during work Monday) he really had a great week all-around, highlighted by a 35.4-point showing from Saquon Barkley.

Collin 154.72 - 111.52 Jake (81.6)

Do we really have to do this every week for a whole year again? Keenan Allen goes down in the first half, George Kittle out for the week, and Austin Ekeler just straight under-preforming, it's like a song that you just can't get out of your head. And of COURSE, after a whole joke of a 2021 campaign, Antonio Gibson comes out and tears it up with 20. Honestly it probably wouldn't have mattered, Collin got 31.8 points on Thursday from Cooper Kupp and that pretty much set the tone for the week. 28.5 more from Swift and the cherry-on-top 26.1 from Travis Kelce was more than enough to keep the game out of Jake's reach. Just fuck me up fam smh.

Nathan 98.1 - 129.42 Austin (68.5)

Fist of all, both yall's team names are garbage. Nathan you do not get to title yourself "Decent" when you can't break 100, and Austin you literally don't have CMC anymore. Look up another team name like you do every year you unoriginal cretin. Name-violation or not, Austin more than earned his W this week, thanks primarily to Jalen Hurts (24.72) and Jonathan Taylor (29.5). Really the only hole in Austin's lineup was a sad 3.0 spot from Mike Williams. Nathan was just buried by a 1.7 from Rodgers, that hurts. Another disappointing 8.2 from Derrick Henry certainly doesn't bode well for Nathan's long-term plan here. I feel for you on the Cole Kmet 0 train though, had him in another league. I feel.